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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25013635">The Dating Game</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Esperata/pseuds/Esperata'>Esperata</a>, <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/LordRobotnik/pseuds/LordRobotnik'>LordRobotnik</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Batman - All Media Types, Batman: The Animated Series</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Accidental Confession, Dating Agency, Dating Videos, Kidnapping, M/M</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-07-01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-07-05</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 06:01:41</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>5</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>9,525</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25013635</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Esperata/pseuds/Esperata, https://archiveofourown.org/users/LordRobotnik/pseuds/LordRobotnik</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>All Oswald wanted was a quiet evening at home. Unfortunately for him, he's intricately tied up in the plots of other rogues.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Oswald Cobblepot/Edward Nygma</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>68</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>110</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>My first collaboration in this fandom. Thank you schemingminor for providing the groundwork.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It had been a long day taking care of business in the city and now all Oswald wanted to do was get away from everything for a little while. He was only too glad to sink into the plush upholstery of his car as his chauffeur navigated them away from the heart of his empire and out to his country home. Letting his eyes shut he could begin to feel the tension, that had been accruing over the last week at least, starting to dissipate. A warm meal, a hot bath and then bed would do wonders to restoring his former vigour.</p><p>Opening his eyes again he turned his head to watch the scenery passing. It was all perfectly familiar to him, even if he didn’t take the journey out to his family home as often as he might like. He couldn’t if he wanted to maintain his grip on the comings and goings of the city. His city. Despite what anyone might say, Oswald felt to his very bones that Gotham was rightfully his. No-one else could claim to know it as he did. No-one else had worked so long or suffered so much in getting their claws into it. Although that wasn’t to say there wasn’t a hierarchy in place.</p><p>Sighing, he tilted his head back to rest on the seat. His life had in many ways been simpler before what had been teasingly dubbed the rogues gallery sprang up but the increase in criminal cohorts had also brought their own rewards, when handled correctly. And therein lay the rub. Yes, when he manoeuvred appropriately he could utilise them in myriad ways but they were a temperamental group, some very much more so than others, and it took great mental dexterity to keep up with their changing whims.</p><p>Mostly now he settled for his established position as fencer for them and procurer of hard to find items. Yet his true trade was in information and for that he walked a fine line in his Iceberg Lounge. It was generally accepted by the GCPD that the colourful rogues would all turn up there eventually but, in order to keep Penguin semi-cooperative to their inquiries, they would ignore it so long as everyone behaved. Mostly none of them bothered with the place when they were thoroughly engaged in a heist anyway so it all worked. Just about. Some guests were always more tiresome than others however.</p><p>Tonight had seen the Joker grace the lounge with his presence. On the one hand, the business thrived off such sightings and no doubt eager young Gothamites would be flocking for the next few nights as word spread of the possibility of seeing such a famous rogue. On the other hand, Oswald generally had a perpetual headache whenever Joker was around from the sheer tension of knowing that at any moment the clown might decide to do… well, Oswald could never tell <em>what</em> he might do. Hence his headache. Everyone else followed their own internal guidelines giving him something to work with. Joker could go between unbelievable childishness to insanely homicidal in a literal snap with no forewarning.</p><p>Oswald would freely admit the man was not a favourite of his. His company was certainly not worth the increase in revenue he brought, not when others brought equal benefits and were far more pleasant to deal with. Top of the list in that regard were the femme fatales of his acquaintance. Poison Ivy especially was both good company and a popular attraction. Harley too, when she was on one of her breaks from her Mister J. If the pair of them came in then Oswald was assured of a good evening. Business would boom and he could take a break himself to relax in like-minded company. Not that he ever let his guard down with them. They each had their particular trigger points and he’d more than once been caught up in a fray because of them.</p><p>There was probably only one rogue of his acquaintance with whom he would truly relax and even then he was aware it was probably foolish of him. Yet Edward had never tried to gas his clientele. He’d never forced everyone into joining him in a tea party. At worst he’d annoyed a few people with impromptu riddles and generally Oswald was happy to lose those who didn’t meet with Riddler’s standards anyway. And he was easily the most charming member of their particular group. Not to mention the most knowledgeable on any specialised topic upon which Oswald chose to talk. Whether that be the relative price and demand of a merchandise market or the latest cultural phenomenon, Edward would always be a worthy conversationalist.</p><p>It didn’t hurt that he was handsome to look at too.</p><p>A sigh escaped him unbidden and he curtailed that avenue of thought even as the car came to its own halt. No good came of daydreaming in that direction. Oswald might be a romantic sentimentalist at heart but he was also a realist. People like him did not win partners like Edward. Gotham city was no fairy-tale paradise and it didn’t pay to pretend otherwise. And it wasn’t as if Oswald was without affection when he wanted it. A modest fee to a special service provider matched him up to a suitable date when required and he couldn’t deny they were good choices for him every time. Never anything permanent of course but who could afford that in his line of work?</p><p>Tonight though was blissful solitude and he felt a relief in stepping outside the car to see the welcome sight of his home ready to receive him. Pausing only to adjust his grip on his umbrella, which generally fulfilled its primary function as a walking aid rather than a rain protector nowadays, he trod the familiar pathway over the gravel and up the short steps while his driver went to put the car away.</p><p>Although he wasn’t consciously aware of it, nevertheless his mind noted the unusual smell and he found himself glancing to the nearby flowerbeds without realising why he was doing so. It was only as he assessed the open blooms there that he finally twigged the aroma he’d noticed was pungent flowers. He’d confess he knew little about flora, except as they related to food for his birds, and these particular blossoms meant nothing to him. It was a nice smell though, if a little strong for his taste.</p><p>Putting it from his mind as he finally opened the lock, he gratefully stepped inside and latched the door securely behind him, exhaling a sigh of relief to be able to relax at last. Then he turned around and inhaled a surprised gasp at the sight of a veritable carpet of petals, all too aware of the increased fragrance compared to outside the door. For a moment he froze, no longer daring to breathe through fear of inhaling some toxin or hallucinogen, before analysing that if there were any such drug in the scent he’d already have inhaled more than enough to affect him.</p><p>Staying still therefore he considered the scenario. If the flowers weren’t here to affect him directly, they were here as a sign of some sort. Casting his eye briskly over them he could denote no pattern in their layout. All the same type of small petalled flowers growing in little bunches, but with colours ranging through white to mauve and on to purple. The only clue was therefore to be found in the path they laid out and his eye traced that along the hall and up the stairs.</p><p>No-one had ever accused him of cowardice but he didn’t hesitate in switching his grip on his umbrella in case he needed to defend himself before following the implicit directions. He was no chicken but nor was he a fool. Other people might interpret a floor strewn with flowers as a romantic gesture. Living in Gotham, and having personal experience with Poison Ivy, Oswald expected a very different outcome.</p><p>Still, he was surprised to find nothing more harmful than a small plush penguin awaiting him at the top of the stairs. He stared at it a moment before gently tapping it with his umbrella point. Nothing happened asides from it tipping over so he ignored it and returned his focus to his designated pathway. Up here a few more soft toys lined the route straight to his office, which was another deviation from the movie cliché of a bedroom destination.</p><p>Again he showed caution when he reached the door. It wasn’t quite shut, which perhaps was only to be expected since whoever had set this up clearly weren’t concerned with hiding their visit, but nor was it open enough to give him a proper view into the room. Standing as far back as was reasonable therefore he once more used his umbrella to extend the reach of his arm and shove open the door. It was no surprise at this point to see the pretty flowers covering practically every surface but his guest had obviously stepped up their game in here.</p><p>Lining the route to his large desk were an honour guard of vases, all filled with bouquets of the same fragrant plant. Above them and floating around the ceiling were an array of helium balloons which he eyed with deep suspicion. Various sorts of birds were the theme there although he also spotted the occasional heart amidst the flock. Dropping his gaze back down it landed squarely on the desk where the most extravagant arrangement of blooms sprawled. If he weren’t indoors he might have mistaken it for a bush. Once again the now familiar odour reached him and he worried again whether inhaling the scent was wise. Yet his visitor clearly had some grander scheme in mind than merely poisoning him and the large gold edged card in the bunch in front of him beckoned him with the promise of an answer to what that was.</p><p>Cautiously edging forward, he kept one eye towards the balloons even as he sought his goal. Plucking the envelope up he realised with annoyance he’d have to relinquish his umbrella to free his hand to open it and briefly considered retreating somewhere else first. By now however he was getting truly frustrated with whatever this game was and decided to risk at least putting it down for a few seconds. He didn’t waste any time then in ripping the envelope open and drawing out the gilt edge contents.</p><p>
  <em>Dear Penguin, you are cordially invited to attend <span class="small">a gathering of carefully chosen guests …</span></em>
</p><p>His head swam alarmingly as he lost focus on the text and he mentally cursed himself for not at least putting on his damn gloves before handling the missive. Reaching instinctively for his umbrella he grabbed it up only to find himself brandishing a branch of flowers, their scent making his already dizzy head swim further.</p><p>“Ivy,” he managed to growl, “Show yourself!”</p><p>However as he spun to try and locate either his attacker or a viable means of escape, the whole room continued to spin around him and he dropped to his knees sickeningly.</p><p>“Ivy,” he grumbled again before a blackness rose up to swallow him even as he fell down out cold.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Waking from an unexpected bout of unconsciousness was a relatively common part of life in Gotham and Oswald had learnt a best code of practise; namely, not to give away your conscious status until you’d done a preliminary assessment of your situation. Unfortunately, his companions on this occasion were similarly old hands at the game and recognised his return to the land of the living at once.</p><p>“It’s alright Pengy,” Joker’s unmistakeable voice chivvied him. “You win sleeping lions. We’re going to play a new game now.”</p><p>Assuming from the tone that the safest course was to be on alert Oswald begrudgingly forced himself back into some semblance of vigilance, starting by rising to his feet. It was no surprise to find his umbrella had been taken, nor that he was in what amounted to an oversized bird cage, but he did wonder why they’d felt it necessary to take his hat as well. He was startled from this appraisal by the sound of another voice.</p><p>“I still say including Oswald proves that he obviously just wants to be insulting.”</p><p>Oswald glared at Ivy, head still aching from the drugs, confused about what was going on, but at least relatively certain that he should feel affronted by that statement. He hesitated however as he realised she too was confined to a similar cage, between him and Joker on her far side.</p><p>“Well duh,” Joker retaliated. “Of course he wants to be insulting! The whole point is for him to take Eddie down a few pegs isn’t it?”</p><p>“Excuse me for interrupting,” Oswald’s tone indicated he wasn’t sorry to interrupt at all, “but will one of you explain what we’re doing here? And who precisely is responsible,” he added with a growl and a pointed glare at Ms Isley. Just because she was in a cage now was no reason to assume she hadn’t had a hand in his capture.</p><p>She folded her arms defiantly in response to the look before answering.</p><p>“It seems we’re here as participants in some test of Riddler’s observational skills.”</p><p>The answer made Oswald’s heart sink and he ran one frustrated hand down his face.</p><p>“Please tell me this isn’t a test for one of his ridiculous puzzle traps.”</p><p>“Not exactly Mister Cobblepot.”</p><p>All three of their heads swivelled to the newcomer entering the room.</p><p>“Or should I call you Penguin?”</p><p>“You can call me a taxi and let me out of here right now!” Penguin shot back at the man dressed in a most distinctive lilac suit.</p><p>“Louie,” Ivy purred. “I shouldn’t be locked up with these buffoons. Not when you and I could make such a good team.”</p><p>Not to be outdone, Joker shot him double finger guns and grinned wide.</p><p>“Louie, Louie, Louie. I always did like your dress style. Why, we could almost be twins!”</p><p>Their host gave them a wry smile in return, obviously both unsurprised and unimpressed with their attempts to influence him. He vaguely adjusted the sprig of lilac in his lapel before looking back up at them.</p><p>“Ms Isley, gentlemen, I apologise for the inconvenience but really, it can’t be helped. You see, my reputation is at stake.”</p><p>“What reputation?” Joker pointed out. “Louie the Lilac is hardly a household name now is it?”</p><p>Both Oswald and Ivy shot the clown a pointed look. It rarely paid to antagonise the person currently holding you hostage. Louie too was clearly miffed at the reminder and Oswald could almost see him biting back his initial response. Then he affixed a plainly disarming smile again.</p><p>“Each of you are familiar with my current business, Lilac Love Lenders.”</p><p>Oswald had no idea how the other two reacted to the reference as he froze at the very mention of the escort agency. Luckily Louie was focused on explaining his reasons for bringing them together rather than singling any of them out for embarrassment.</p><p>“I’ve had no complaints from any of you about the service provided-”</p><p>“I’ve complained!” Joker protested. “You keep sending me Harley!”</p><p>“I don’t,” Louie countered smoothly. “I sent her one time because your profiles matched. After that she just turns up on her own. But if I may continue?”</p><p>Joker grumbled but was seemingly willing to let it go for now.</p><p>“As I was saying, none of you have complained. One customer however has persistently nit-picked my choices and seems to be under the impression that he could do a better job. So, tonight we’re putting that to the test.” He walked across to a side door as he spoke and opened it to gesture their final participant in. “Mister Nygma?”</p><p>“Eddie,” Penguin grumbled. “I should have known.”</p><p>“I did tell you this was Riddler’s fault,” Ivy huffed. “How does he manage to piss everyone who knows him off so easily?”</p><p>There was no good answer to that so Oswald instead focused on watching Edward as he wandered into the room. It was immediately clear that he wasn’t up to speed on things either if his curious glances to the three of them were any indication. That seemed confirmed as he returned his attention to their host.</p><p>“Louie? I thought you wanted my help with a particularly difficult client?”</p><p>The remark made Joker burst out laughing and Edward shot him an irritated glance. Oswald pulled himself close to the bars and answered for Louie.</p><p>“Yes, he did, you idiot! Hell, how can someone so smart be so dumb? The client in question is <em>you</em>!”</p><p>“What?”</p><p>He turned back to Louie and tilted his head inquisitively.</p><p>“Indeed.” Louie chuckled and rested a friendly arm on his shoulders. “You found fault with every escort I found for you. <em>Every</em> time,” he emphasised. “This one’s bones were too prominent, that one didn’t have a thorough enough knowledge of art, this one spoke too roughly, that one didn’t have enough pizzazz.”</p><p>Even from where he was some way away, Oswald could see the tension in Louie’s hand as he gripped Ed’s shoulder tighter.</p><p>“So,” he released his grip and stepped away. “I decided I should learn from you, if you’re truly better at evaluating people.”</p><p>“O-kay,” Ed agreed slowly, looking towards where Joker, Ivy and Penguin were staring at him. “But why are <em>they</em> here?”</p><p>“Ah! I am glad you asked.” Louie began to walk towards the caged criminals. “You see, in my work assessing compatibility and calculating perfect matches, I discovered something very interesting about one of these individuals.”</p><p>Louie paused by Oswald’s cage, seemingly remembering why he had to keep some distance from Ivy’s pheromones, and unfortunately out of reach of Penguin’s arm as well.</p><p>“One of these illustrious people… has a crush on you.”</p><p>Oswald could see the shock register on Eddie’s face before it shifted into a smug grin and he felt an irresistible instinct to smack it off his face. He had no doubt his two companions would feel similarly especially as he heard their various exclamations.</p><p>“Oh you’ve got to be kidding me!” Ivy threw her hands up.</p><p>Further on Joker had simply collapsed into giggles. Penguin settled for a blankly disbelieving stare at Louie. Who paid none of them any mind as he focused on Edward.</p><p>“Now, since your intellect and deductive reasoning is supposedly so much greater than anyone else’s, surely you’ll have no trouble figuring out which of the three it is?”</p><p>“And what’ll I get if I do?” he challenged, obviously intrigued.</p><p>“Asides from knowing who it is?” Louie shrugged. “I’ll publically acknowledge your superiority. If you fail-”</p><p>“I won’t fail,” Ed interrupted briskly.</p><p>“Oh for the love of god!” Oswald burst out irritably, once again gripping the bars. “This is nothing to do with your intelligence. Nor any supposed ‘crush’,” he sneered the word. “It’s purely a business move. If he convinces you to pair up with one of us it will be incredible publicity for his agency. And he’ll have convinced you it’s because of some underlying affection you’ve supposedly uncovered.”</p><p>He huffed as he finished his rant and found himself the focus of several curious stares.</p><p>“Penguin does make a valid point,” Ivy conceded. “And it’s far more likely than anyone crushing on Edward. I mean, what kind of person would be interested in that?”</p><p>Louie raised his hand and Oswald just had time to notice the box he was holding before a shock ran through his body and he jerked away from the bars.</p><p>“A little warning,” Louie told them before turning to Riddler. “Well? What have you got to lose? If I’m pulling a publicity stunt surely you’d figure that out soon enough. And really, what do you believe? Isn’t it actually just as likely someone secretly likes you more than they’re willing to say?”</p><p>The slow smile growing on Edward’s face was answer enough to that but he at least tried to suppress it.</p><p>“And when I solve this puzzle of yours? Everyone will be free to go?”</p><p>“You have my word. What use would it be to me to kill anyone after all this effort? I mean, Penguin <em>does</em> make a good point.” He grinned over to him. “It would do my business good to have such a high profile success story.”</p><p>“It’s a win-win then,” Ed concluded, holding his hand out for the lilac themed criminal to shake.</p><p>“Eddie,” Ivy spoke faux sweetly. “I swear when I get out of here I will turn you into fertilizer for this.”</p><p>“What?” he protested. “It’s just a few hours out of your day.”</p><p>“Not that,” she huffed. “For even entertaining the notion that I might be attracted to you.”</p><p>“Ah, but isn’t that just what someone hiding their love for me would say?” he countered with a shit-eating grin.</p><p>Oswald once again sighed and ran a hand down his face. His hopes of a quiet evening had officially gone up in smoke. All he could hope for now was to survive this with his dignity intact. Then Louie ruined even that hope.</p><p>“Excellent! Let’s get this quiz on the road then. Obviously none of them are just going to <em>confess</em> but luckily for you I have their preliminary prospective date videos. We’ll watch them and then you can narrow down your suspects.”</p><p>As he spoke he moved to the side and wheeled a TV forward. Oswald couldn’t help but pale at the thought of everyone here watching his tape. Neither of his companions seemed at all worried however.</p><p>“OOhh!” Joker cackled. “Movie night. Do we get popcorn?”</p><p>Ivy smirked.</p><p>“Maybe tonight won’t be a total bust after all.”</p><p>Oswald was aware of her gaze sliding across to him and fiercely held onto his façade of calm aloofness. For the first time in his life though he found himself wishing the GCPD or even the Bat would descend on them and halt this madness.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The video ended with the fading sound of a whoopee cushion as the screen shifted into black and honestly, at that point no-one was surprised. Their capacity to be shocked had probably deserted them at the point Joker had mooned the camera. Oswald certainly felt numbly horrified afterwards.</p>
<p>“Well Eddie?” Joker cooed from his cage where he was batting his eyelashes coquettishly. “Isn’t it obvious I’m the one for you?”</p>
<p>Riddler didn’t respond to that and Joker burst out laughing, obviously enjoying this far more than anyone else. The thing was, Joker might even be telling the truth. It was generally impossible to say one moment from the next which way his emotions were running. Who was to say he wouldn’t want a fling with Riddler, if only for making a joke about it afterwards. Oswald could guess from Ed’s wary expression that the possibility was in his mind too.</p>
<p>Ivy however had a different focus in mind and she cocked her head at Louie.</p>
<p>“And you sent him Harley? After that train wreck of a dating video?”</p>
<p>He shrugged in response.</p>
<p>“She wanted a clown.”</p>
<p>Any further explanation was interrupted by Joker who obviously didn’t take kindly to her unsubtle criticism.</p>
<p>“How about we watch Pammie’s video next Louie? If she’s such an expert and all.”</p>
<p>The challenge didn’t faze her in the least and she tossed her hair back defiantly.</p>
<p>“Go right ahead.”</p>
<p>Everyone’s attention returned to the screen as Louie obligingly loaded the next cassette, already wound to the beginning. It took a few seconds for the static to clear as the machine automatically tuned but then the lilac heart background came into view once again. From off screen Louie’s voice could be heard giving instructions but Poison Ivy swanned into frame with utter confidence before he was done.</p>
<p>“<em>Trust me, I know how to entice my partners,</em>” her recorded voice insisted. Then she settled and smiled alluringly at her audience. “<em>Hello. You might know me as Poison Ivy, or possibly even as Pamela Isley, but if you meet my expectations then you’ll know me as your Green Goddess.</em>”</p>
<p>After a couple of heartbeats the smug smirk gave way to a more serious expression.</p>
<p>“<em>I’m looking for someone who wants to do something worthwhile with their life. I care about the flora of this world and anyone who wants to impress me has to be dedicated to saving plant life. Love me, love my plants,</em>” she added with laissez-faire before refocusing. “<em>My ideal person should be taking care of their diet, ecologically sourcing their food, and using only environmentally friendly products. Gender, race or religion are not an issue for me. My prime goal is finding someone compatible with my gardening needs.</em>”</p>
<p>“<em>Ms Isley,</em>” Louie’s voice came once again from off screen. “<em>You’re not using my dating service to find victims are you?</em>”</p>
<p>A slow smile spread across her face and she looked directly into the camera as she answered.</p>
<p>“<em>Well now, that’s for me to know and them to find out. If they’re brave enough.</em>” She blew a kiss to the screen before sashaying off again.</p>
<p>With the absence of video-Ivy everyone’s attention returned to the real Ivy in the room with them.</p>
<p>“I’ll admit,” Joker confessed, “that’s a pretty neat trick.”</p>
<p>“Why thank you.”</p>
<p>“So you  admit you applied to my agency under false pretences?” Louie demanded.</p>
<p>“I admit no such thing. My video was solely about finding a suitable partner. But, well, what happens to the failures hardly matters does it?”</p>
<p>“That’s all well and good,” Penguin finally put in, “but all it shows is you might be after Riddler as fertilizer.”</p>
<p>“Oh I don’t know.” She lounged provocatively against the bars. “The green aesthetic certainly matches my profile.”</p>
<p>Riddler grinned and tipped his hat to her.</p>
<p>“I’ll certainly take you under consideration,” he proposed.</p>
<p>Ivy arched an eyebrow in response before twisting her head to look at Oswald.</p>
<p>“Your turn Pengy.”</p>
<p>He did nothing to hide his scowl, knowing they’d take it in response to the nickname rather than frustration at having to go through this mortification. In the time since Louie had first announced this little show-and-tell, Oswald had been able to reflect upon his own recording and at least assure himself there was nothing to especially indicate a preference for Eddie. It had been made with an intent to find other partners after all.</p>
<p>And yet the realisation that his colleagues were about to view it still curled tendrils of embarrassment through his stomach, no matter how diligently he portrayed a dignified façade. Years of teasing over his occasional flairs of romance or drama left him in no doubt of how they’d react to this occasion when he’d been free to indulge.</p>
<p>Still, he fixed his gaze boldly on the small screen where his recorded self was settling onto the plush chair ready to unleash his inner romantic. It may be mortifying but he’d be damned before he showed an ounce of embarrassment to his peers.</p>
<p>“<em>Good day my turtle doves. I should hope my reputation as a felon of class and distinction speaks for itself but if not, rest assured that with me you will get a gentleman of quality.</em>” He raised one hand while placing the other upon his breast as he began to recite. “<em>Some glory in their birth, some in their skill, some in their wealth, some in their body’s force, some in their garments (though new-fangled ill), some in their hawks and hounds, some in their horse; and every humour hath his adjunct pleasure, wherein it finds a joy above the rest. But these particulars are not my measure; all these I better in one general best. Thy love is better than high birth to me, richer than wealth, prouder than garments’ cost, of more delight than hawks or horses be;</em>”</p>
<p>A voice off screen interrupted him.</p>
<p>“<em>Can you get to the point?</em>”</p>
<p>“<em>That <strong>was</strong> my point you philistine.</em>” He returned his gaze to the camera and smoothed his expression. “<em>Lovely ladies, fear not that your material worth is lacking. It is the strength of your loving heart upon which you will be measured. And in that regard I might venture to say mine is as rich as Croesus.</em>”</p>
<p>With a final doff of his top hat, he rose and sauntered off screen.</p>
<p>Standing tall in his cage, Oswald maintained his own equanimity with equal aplomb. As romantic endeavours went he was satisfied his was leagues ahead of his compatriots.</p>
<p>"Well I'd say that's pretty suspicious." Ivy cast her glance to Oswald and he frowned in puzzlement back. "Why's he here when he was obviously looking for a woman?"</p>
<p>"Why indeed," Louie echoed. "Perhaps to make up the numbers. Or maybe because what he said in the video wasn't the whole truth."</p>
<p>He'd opened his mouth to provoke them further when Ed overrode him, having seemingly come to a deduction of his own.</p>
<p>"Or perhaps the reason all of you are here is because Louie has a score to settle with each of you. Penguin cut into his perfume and cosmetic business. Ivy single handedly ruined his florists. And Joker has made him a laughing stock for looking like a second rate knock-off."</p>
<p>He glared at Louie who was looking decidedly less happy with proceedings.</p>
<p>"Fine," he spat. "So I'd be happy to see them all cook. But it doesn't change the fact one of them <em>does</em> have a crush on you and I also want to get back at you Riddler. Thinking you're so smart when you don't have an ounce of intuition as I do. So I'm going to prove I got know-how you don't and get back at these three in the same stroke."</p>
<p>A wide grin materialised as he had his own next brainwave.</p>
<p>“How about we even the score a little and let your prospective partners watch <em>your</em> video Eddie? I wasn’t going to bother with it but perhaps it’ll prompt one of them to swoon, hhmmm?”</p>
<p>Riddler folded his arms irritably in response, more likely at the mocking tone than the threat of his recording being aired though. No-one else said a thing a Louie promptly changed the tapes once again. Oswald watched with undeniable interest as the static cleared to reveal Eddie already posed in front of the camera with his hat tilted low. As soon as he knew the tape was rolling though he pushed it back to reveal a heart stoppingly devilish grin.</p>
<p>“<em>Greetings to those discerning people ready to be entranced by that most mystical of processes… the chemical reactions fizzing in your brain right now. That buzz, that high you sense, is dopamine flooding your system. It’s stimulated by the anticipation of success. Your recognition of my desirability is already flooding your mind with a reward chemical. It’s also promoting a hit of serotonin as my obvious status as a high ranking criminal of intelligence suggests a prestige of choosing me as your mate. You know how envious all your friends would be if you got me on your arm.</em>” He smirked. “<em>And if you got me in your arms then I assure you a huge rush of oxytocin. I’ll be the drug and you’ll be the addict. Only you’ll never want to be cured.</em></p>
<p>“<em>What more can I say? Ah yes, my veiled face is my face itself;</em>” Ed swept his hands emphatically as he spoke. “<em>Unveiled it is annulled. I am hidden and concealed, yet if you discover me, I will disappear before your eyes forever.</em>”</p>
<p>“A riddle.”</p>
<p>Oswald had not meant to say that out loud and he only realised he’d done so when everyone’s attention swung round to him. With a concerted effort he fought the blush rising to his cheeks and rolled his eyes.</p>
<p>“It’s ancient,” he explained sourly. “Galileo came up with it. But an otherwise interesting video Eddie.”</p>
<p>He stumbled to say something to divert attention back to Riddler and hoped his tone bore the right blend of condescending faint praise rather than lingering infatuation. The reaction he received suggested his dissembling had been effective.</p>
<p>“Yes, well, <em>some</em> of us wanted to weed out the inferior specimens rather than throwing out a general invite to anyone who was willing.”</p>
<p>Wounded pride successfully squashed any risk of affection showing and Oswald sniffed derisively as he turned his nose up at him.</p>
<p>“Well?” Louie interrupted briskly, drawing Ed’s attention back to him. “You’ve seen the same footage I have. Can you come to the same conclusion?”</p>
<p>“I’ve seen the same footage, yes,” Ed agreed petulantly. “But you’ve had longer to analyse it. Plus whatever you heard off camera. It’s not a fair comparison.”</p>
<p>“Very well. Have your own question and answer session. But remember the clock is ticking.”</p>
<p>As if in answer to his warning a crashing skylight created a familiar tumbling rainfall of glass clattering down like sand in an hourglass. Everyone flinched instinctively at the dark shape descending to stand between Louie and his captives.</p>
<p>Then Louie chuckled.</p>
<p>“And it seems like our fourth contestant is finally here.”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Chapter 4</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Batman’s gaze swept efficiently over the room, taking in the four other rogues before fixing itself on Louie the Lilac.</p><p>“What’s your game Louie? This isn’t your usual crowd.”</p><p>“Game is right Batman. We’re playing a dating game and you’re invited.”</p><p>“Hogswash,” Penguin exclaimed. “I can respect you adjusting to changing circumstances but you can’t expect us to believe Batman is seriously in the running.”</p><p>“In the running?” the Dark Knight queried, his focus now on the three caged crooks.</p><p>“Louie’s challenged Riddler to work out which of us has a crush on him,” Poison Ivy explained with barely concealed amusement. “Needless to say, Ed hasn’t even considered that maybe none of us do.”</p><p>It was perhaps his imagination but Oswald could swear he saw the Batman’s eyes swivel briefly to him.</p><p>“Whatever your game, I cannot allow it to continue. These are dangerous criminals Louie. They need to go back to Arkham.”</p><p>“Excuse me,” Penguin began to complain only to be cut off by a powerful electric shock seizing through his system. His jaw locked and even when the current was cut off it took him a few seconds to work it loose.</p><p>“OOhh,” Joker groaned lewdly. “Electro-shock therapy. You do know how to treat a guy Louie.”</p><p>Louie ignored the clown as he focused on Batman.</p><p>“I’d suggest you don’t try anything or the voltage will go way way up next time. You wouldn’t want your actions to let anyone cook now would you?”</p><p>While Batman glared and presumably thought through his best course of action, Edward finally spoke up.</p><p>“Technically, raising the voltage won’t do especially more harm unless it causes a synchronous rise in current. But you said everyone would be free to go at the end of this.”</p><p>“Yeah, well, perhaps I lied. I have had it up to here with the lack of respect I get. So pay back is due. Either Ed here guesses right, which will automatically humiliate the schmuck crushing on him, and then I can shoot Ed in the head to twist the knife a little further. Or he guesses wrong which will humiliate him and I can fry the rest of you, just to make a point. But if you don’t play along I can kill everyone so I suggest you ask them your question Riddler. Unless you’re ready to concede I know people better than you.”</p><p>“Alright, alright.”</p><p>It was obvious the raise in stakes had disturbed Ed. It had disturbed Oswald too to be honest. Not only that but his hope of Batman stepping in to stop events seemed to be dead in the water. He couldn’t even simply hope to bluff his way through this game either. If he managed then Louie would electrocute them and it didn’t seem wise to trust Batman to save them. Yet if he let Edward guess then his life would be forfeit. His best bet seemed to be to delay in hope of a miracle.</p><p>Ed had obviously considered his own strategy now and Oswald could only hope he too didn’t want to see anyone fry.</p><p>“Okay. I want everyone to answer this question with a riddle.” Various groans met this request from the cages but Riddler wasn’t fazed by that. “What do you really think of me?”</p><p>“Shall we say ladies first?” Louie proposed.</p><p>Poison Ivy looked set to say something but Joker got in before her.</p><p>“But since we don’t have any, how about Ivy?”</p><p>He laughed but no-one else did.</p><p>“Really Joker?” Ivy rolled her eyes. “That’s lame even for you.”</p><p>“Come on,” Louie snapped at them. “The clock is ticking.”</p><p>This time Joker’s response was decidedly less jovial but thankfully also much quieter so more easily ignored as everyone awaited Pamela’s answer. She paused briefly as if assessing Ed before offering her opinion.</p><p>“Why is a dirty rug like a bad boy?”</p><p>Oswald admired her ambiguous answer even as Joker threw back the ‘lame’ insult. She clearly believed Louie was playing them all for fools and nobody truly fancied Ed, yet if Oswald knew her at all it seemed she’d be willing to pretend if Ed guessed her to avoid being executed. She wasn’t about to declare undying love just yet, especially as it was unclear how Louie might react to his game rules being broken, and thus was hedging her bets. He caught her eye and shared a look of understanding.</p><p>Naturally Ed had the answer before she’d even finished speaking and Oswald tuned back in to hear their unfriendly host attempting to insinuate repressed attraction on her part. It didn’t seem Ed was paying him much attention however. Neither, it seemed, was Joker who abruptly announced his own riddle.</p><p>“I see without seeing. To me, darkness is as clear as daylight. What am I?”</p><p>“As blind as a bat? Really?” Ed looked genuinely offended.</p><p>Joker shrugged, eyes switching from Riddler to Batman, his smile never altering.</p><p>“Well if you haven’t seen his obvious attraction for you-” Louie began, only to be interrupted by a snort from Ivy.</p><p>“Please. Absolutely no-one is unaware of Joker’s obvious attraction.”</p><p>Her gaze too moved to Batman and Oswald found himself looking too, if only to see the man’s reaction. The clown’s infatuation was well known within the criminal classes and he was curious to see if the suggestion discomforted the vigilante in any way. Seemingly not if his unchanging posture was any indication.</p><p>“Fine,” Louie conceded that argument, without a fight and turned his superior expression onto Penguin. “Your turn Mister Cobblepot.”</p><p>Oswald sniffed, with as much derision as he could muster.</p><p>“An enemy to all other joys,” he declared primly.</p><p>As he hoped, it provoked a hoot of laughter from his compatriots.</p><p>“He’s that alright. A real party pooper,” Joker agreed.</p><p>While Oswald outwardly smirked, he inwardly prayed Ed maybe caught his meaning. Since Ivy had already produced a similarly veined answer it seemed probable Ed would pick up on their willingness to play along. They had to keep as many options available as possible.</p><p>A faint flicker in Ed’s glance suggested he’d perhaps sourced the quote and recognised the real meaning. The tilt of Batman’s head implied he’d also got it but Oswald dismissed that as irrelevant. Still, he enjoyed meeting his gaze head on as it was the Batman’s turn next.</p><p>“I know who it is.”</p><p>Edward’s voice distracted everyone’s eyes away from the Batman and Oswald felt a tendril of worry. He couldn’t see how any answer of Ed’s could benefit any of them yet. If Ed actually knew, then there were two options. He announced it and got shot, which Oswald happened to know he was allergic to, or he deliberately picked wrong and let them die. Was he truly that uncaring about him as to sacrifice him so casually?</p><p>“You sure?” Louie checked. “You can still hear Batman’s riddle before I make you choose.”</p><p>Briefly Oswald considered that maybe Ed <em>didn’t</em> know before dismissing the idea. Given his choices surely the answer had been obvious. Joker, who had eyes only for the Bat, Isley, who saw all men as dirt for her beloved plants, and Batman who… well, was in all likelihood emotionless as far as Oswald could tell.</p><p>“No.” Edward folded him arms determinedly. “I know. It’s Batman. Batman has a crush on me.”</p><p>A high pitched peal of laughter came from the far cell.</p><p>“Oh that’s a good one Eddie! Batman! Ha ha ha ha ha!”</p><p>From his prison, Oswald tensed as he watched Louie shake his head in mock solemnity, his hand moving already for his trigger mechanism.</p><p>“He’s right.”</p><p>The deep voice fell like a shroud and silenced everyone. All eyes swung back to the speaker still standing swamped in the shadow of his cape.</p><p>“What?”</p><p>It was eerie how both Louie and Joker spoke simultaneously but Oswald’s heart was already racing again. If Batman convinced Louie it was true then the lilac gangster would shoot Edward. This plan was foolish in the extreme. He could do nothing to halt the man continuing however.</p><p>“I look forward to Riddler’s crimes. I find them mentally stimulating. With care and attention I feel he could reform and be of great benefit to society. All he needs is love and support. Which I’d be more than willing to provide.”</p><p>“You?!” Oswald found himself spitting. “Love and support?! You don’t know the meaning of the words! When have you ever been there for Eddie? All you’ve ever done is beaten him up and flung him back into Arkham. You’ve never sat with him, nursing his wounds when he’s dragged his broken body to your door, scared and in pain because the holier than thou Batman is chasing him down. And for what? A few bank jobs that hurt nobody but the ignorant rich elite who pretend they’re going to save the city one day with their millions? No! While you were off gallivanting for a new headline Caped Crusader, and trying to <em>beat</em> the criminal out of him, <em>I</em> was tending to his bruised and bloodied face! You left him more broken that night than the bones in his body!”</p><p>As he ran out of breath and paused his rant, Oswald suddenly came to his senses and recognised how everyone was staring at him.</p><p>“That…” Joker broke the silence with an unusually serious voice. “That’s not funny at all. I can’t even laugh.”</p><p>Although he was the centre of attention, Oswald kept his head held high and ignored everyone but Louie the Lilac. He’d played his final hand in this game and it was now up to the quizmaster how they’d proceed. Somewhat unnervingly, he smiled genuinely.</p><p>“And there it is,” he acknowledged with a gentle nod of the head.</p><p>To Oswald’s horror however he then withdrew the control box from his pocket and flicked a switch in the side. A sudden inhale was all it took for him and his compatriots to realise nothing was happening though and then Ed barked out a laugh.</p><p>“Aha! That’ll teach you to underestimate <em>me</em>. When I distracted you, Batman jammed your signal.”</p><p>“Shows what you know. I was going to <em>release</em> them with that signal.”</p><p>“What?”</p><p>Louie pulled a key from his pocket and approached Oswald’s cage. Behind him he could see Batman had his hand ready at his belt but Oswald felt rather unconcerned about everything in the moment.</p><p>“He was right before,” Louie admitted. “A high ranking pair up like you two will be great for my business. But I knew I had to provoke a confession out of you.”</p><p>He looked almost apologetic as he opened the door and let Oswald out. Penguin ignored him, and everyone else, instead making his stately way across to the table where his belongings were.</p><p>“Oswald-”</p><p>Edward tried to speak but Oswald silenced him with one imperious hand.</p><p>“I am going home,” he announced to the room at large. “If I never hear from any one of you again it will, in my opinion, be too soon. Good night.”</p><p>That said, he left Louie and Batman to deal with everyone else and tried very hard not to see whatever pitying expression might be on Eddie’s face as he took what was left of his dignity and retreated.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Oswald's speech was penned by schemingminor</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Chapter 5</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>In hindsight Oswald wished he’d given his house staff the same instructions as his Iceberg Lounge workers but in his defence he neither expected any of his companion’s from last night to have the audacity to visit his home nor indeed to be at liberty to do so. At least his house keeper had the sense to come check with him before admitting his visitor. He almost told her to simply send Riddler away before realising it might be seen as cowardice to use a go-between and so headed down himself.</p>
<p>The bright grin on the man’s face was not a surprise but it was still irritating. Given his current mood; sleep deprived, embarrassed and licking his wounds, he very nearly slammed the door in his smug face. However he forced himself to steel what hurt pride he had left to take the offensive.</p>
<p>“What do you want?”</p>
<p>Disappointingly, his harsh tone made no impact at all.</p>
<p>“I thought you might like to see me.”</p>
<p>The continuing smug smile combined with the self-confident proclamation made Oswald’s hackles rise which helped carry his anger over instead of his humiliation.</p>
<p>“Whatever gave you that idea?”</p>
<p>This time, Ed’s smile did falter briefly but he quickly rallied, withdrawing the hand he’d been holding behind his back.</p>
<p>“I brought you flowers,” he suggested, lifting the blooms emphatically.</p>
<p>Oswald crossed his arms and stared, making no move to allow him in or accept his gift.</p>
<p>“Flowers Eddie? Really?”</p>
<p>Finally Ed’s smile fell as he glanced down and seemingly realised he might have made a misstep.</p>
<p>“I suppose they may be in poor taste given the recent circumstances,” he allowed. “But they are traditional. And they aren’t lilacs.”</p>
<p> “What do you want?” Oswald demanded again, frustrated with whatever game was being played.</p>
<p>Clearly this was not the expected reaction if Ed’s suddenly floundering expression was anything to go by.</p>
<p>“Well… I came to see you.”</p>
<p>“I gathered that. And now you have seen me why aren’t you leaving? I’m busy.”</p>
<p>“I wanted to give you these.”</p>
<p>He held the bouquet up as if Oswald might not have properly understood. Oswald arched an unimpressed eyebrow and kept his hands tucked away so Ed couldn’t press the unwanted flowers on him.</p>
<p>“Oh come on Ozzie! I’m making an effort here!”</p>
<p>“I don’t see why,” Oswald huffed.</p>
<p>“You don’t see why? Oswald, you confessed you loved me!”</p>
<p>“No I didn’t!” He drew himself up with all the false confidence he could muster. “I merely pointed out the idiocy of the Batman claiming feelings for you when all he’s ever shown you is cruelty.”</p>
<p>There was a noticeable pause and he watched as Ed’s shoulders hunched in on themselves.</p>
<p>“Oh.”</p>
<p>It felt remarkably as if Oswald had missed something vital here. He’d expected Ed to shrug it off and give up his plans of teasing Oswald on his dramatic outburst over the true spirit of love. Yet Edward wasn’t behaving as if his joke had just been pre-empted and Oswald had to try hard not to assume anything overly hopeful from that. Still, he’d rather salvage their friendship if possible so relented slightly.</p>
<p>“Look. If you only came to make fun then you can just turn about and get lost. If you’re prepared to act like a friend and gentleman then you can come in for some breakfast.”</p>
<p>“Do you really think I’d have come all this way just for a laugh?”</p>
<p>Oswald gave no reply but simply pursed his lips and waited expectantly. With a sigh, Ed gave up on making whatever point he’d been trying to and silently gestured he’d like to enter. As he was finally let inside, he somewhat awkwardly held out the flowers again.</p>
<p>“You should keep them at least,” he suggested.</p>
<p>There was a strong part of Oswald that was very tempted to hurl them across his hallway but he buried that impulse and reminded himself he was a bigger man than that. Glancing round for his serving girl therefore he held the flowers out to her.</p>
<p>“Put these in a vase,” he instructed brusquely.</p>
<p>He promptly forgot about her and instead led his guest towards the dining room.</p>
<p>“I can’t believe you came all this way to make some tired joke with a bunch of flowers,” he muttered.</p>
<p>“I didn’t,” Ed protested. “I mean, I was passing… or rather, coming this way anyway, and thought you might like…”</p>
<p>“To hear the rest of what happened?” Oswald suggested with a resigned sigh. If Ed wasn’t going to come up with a viable excuse to get them back to their former casual friendship then it seemed he would have to. Thankfully Ed leapt on the offering.</p>
<p>“Yes. I thought you’d be interested in hearing the conclusion of last night’s quiz show.”</p>
<p>“I’ll admit I’m curious,” Oswald conceded. “Especially as to how you escaped the Bat.”</p>
<p>The interest in whatever scheme he pulled obviously reinforced Riddler’s confidence in himself and he started grinning again. Oswald restrained another sigh and gestured for him to sit at the table where the breakfast things were still laid out. His well trained staff had clearly already rushed to set a second place.</p>
<p>Ed immediately poured himself a coffee and reached for the toast rack. It was all Oswald could do to hold back his smile, amused as ever by Edward’s enthusiastic appetite. The man either ate enough for two or forgot to eat at all. There never seemed to be a middle ground.</p>
<p>“Okay, so, after you’d made your haughty exit, Batman did his speech about taking us all back to Arkham. Yadda yadda yadda. I rather spectacularly pointed out he had nothing on me. I’d been officially released and really couldn’t be held responsible for this particular set up. Which focused Batman’s attention onto Louie. I think he’d hoped initially to stage a mass release and escape while Batman had his hands full but with the others still locked away he was the only criminal left to apprehend.”</p>
<p>“I would assume he didn’t surrender happily however?”</p>
<p>“No.” Ed chuckled. “He offered an impassioned plea about his goal being good and suggested Batman just let him go.”</p>
<p>“Batman’s never let anyone off even so much as a parking ticket,” Oswald pointed out, sipping from his own cup.</p>
<p>“I know right? Anyway with Louie no longer able to shock them, and both him and Batman distracted, Joker and Ivy both got out in seconds. Of course, Joker immediately went after Bats anyway.”</p>
<p>“Typical.”</p>
<p>“But Ivy ripped open a wall for us to slip out while they went at it. I think it even gave Louie the chance to slip away too.”</p>
<p>“Joker never did have an ounce of common sense.”</p>
<p>A silence fell then courtesy of them both simultaneously drinking and an awkward moment rose as they lowered their cups, having lost the thread of conversation. Oswald had hoped they’d agree to forget his impromptu speech of the previous evening but from Edward’s fidgeting it seemed he wasn’t ready to do that yet.</p>
<p>“What you said yesterday,” -Oswald couldn’t help his sigh this time- “about that time I dragged myself to your door. I remember that occasion.”</p>
<p>Oswald was glad Ed was at least offering to focus on that portion of it. That event was shared history after all and didn’t necessitate any admission of additional feelings on his part.</p>
<p>“That’s hardly surprising. One doesn’t tend to forget a beating like that, even in this city.”</p>
<p>“Yes.” He hesitated. “But I don’t think I ever told you why I ended up at your place.”</p>
<p>It was Oswald’s turn to fidget with his cutlery. That particular memory still had the power to twist his heart, recalling the pain in Eddie’s eyes as he dabbed antiseptic on his myriad wounds. The unusual silence as he let Oswald clean and bandage him. His soft boyish look when finally tucked up and sleeping. Only to be gone in the morning when Oswald went to check on him. But he was well habituated to hiding those emotional reactions. If Ed wanted to reminisce on his past defeat at the hands of the Batman then it was probably as safe a discussion point as anything else.</p>
<p>“I assumed Batman figured out an impossible escape, that by all rights shouldn’t have worked, to one of your traps and thus caught up to you unexpectedly.”</p>
<p>“Yes,” Ed allowed. “But that wasn’t what I meant. Didn’t you ever wonder why I snuck in to hide in your bedroom of all places? Because I certainly did.”</p>
<p>The memory of exactly where he’d been found brought an uncalled for blush to Oswald’s cheeks.</p>
<p>“You were dazed,” he reminded Ed. “I doubt you even knew where you were.”</p>
<p>“We both know that’s not true. I may be a genius but even I have to think about circumventing your security. No. I came to you for a reason, even if I wasn’t conscious of what it was at the time.”</p>
<p>Oswald wanted to dismiss it as being the nearest place of safety but that would be an obvious lie. His home was too far out of the city. While he did think of that evening more often than he’d like, he always suppressed any contemplation of why Eddie might have turned up as he had. The hope it brought was too painful to watch die over and over. His silence however was enough invitation for his guest to continue.</p>
<p>“I came to you because I feel safe with you Oswald. I trust you. I know you’d never hurt me without cause.”</p>
<p>“Yes, well-” he floundered for some comeback only to stop as Ed grabbed his hand.</p>
<p>“And I want to be the same to you. Someone you can trust. Someone you can rely on. Someone you can know, will never want to hurt you.”</p>
<p>He snatched his hand away and tried hard to glare even as his heart twisted.</p>
<p>“What new game is this Riddler? Because I won’t stand for being played.”</p>
<p>“No game Oswald. I swear.” In emphasis he leant back in his chair to create some space between them again. His eyes dropped to the tablecloth before carrying on. “Last night when you… when I <em>thought</em> you’d confessed… everything suddenly made sense. Why I always seek you out. Why I want to share all my news with you. Why you occupy such a high proportion of my thoughts.”</p>
<p>“Why?” Oswald snapped. “Because you know you have me wrapped around your little finger?”</p>
<p>It was a second too late that he realised the unwitting confirmation he’d just provided and a glance showed him Ed had heard it too.</p>
<p>“No,” Ed breathed reverently. “Because I realised I felt exactly the same.”</p>
<p>Oswald had to pause to recover his lost breath.</p>
<p>“The same? Eddie… are you saying…”</p>
<p>He paused and hoped his unspoken question would be answered. Unfortunately Riddler always did prefer to be the one asking the questions.</p>
<p>“Uh-uh,” he countered. “I’ve said my piece. I brought you flowers. <em>You</em> said you didn’t mean what was implied last night. So, which is right? Are you wrapped around my finger? Or was it all a misunderstanding?”</p>
<p>The glint in his eye suggested he knew the answer but there was just enough of a doubt as well to give Oswald his own surge of confidence.</p>
<p>“I stand by what I said,” he declared. “The Batman has no concept of love.” He made the move to grab Ed’s hand himself. “And I do love you Edward.”</p>
<p>His answer got him a grin and a kiss to the back of his hand.</p>
<p>“Glad to hear it.”</p>
<p>Oswald arched an eyebrow in disbelief and Ed seemingly realised his mistake.</p>
<p>“I love you too,” he added quickly.</p>
<p>“Good. Well then.” Oswald withdrew his hand and stood himself from the table. “Would you care to accompany me today? I have some business at the Lounge to deal with but then I’d quite like to show off my new beau.”</p>
<p>“I’m to be a trophy husband am I?” Ed preened as he too stood.</p>
<p>“You know me Ed.” He stepped closer and straightened the man’s tie as he spoke. “I only want the very best.”</p>
<p>Ed grinned triumphantly before leaning down to close the distance between them.</p>
<p>“What a coincidence,” he said gently. “Me too.”</p>
<p>As Ed kissed him for the first time, Oswald privately resolved to extend a thank you Louie’s way. Perhaps incorporating some promotion at the Iceberg Lounge. Later though. For now he had more pressing concerns. Insistently more pressing concerns. And he couldn’t be more thrilled about it.</p>
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